Jokes

[bliss]

Santa Pod Jet Car 1/4 mile in 6 seconds!

[bliss]

Don't honk at old people..............

[Jaydee]

Originally Posted by bliss

Santa Pod Jet Car 1/4 mile in 6 seconds!

Impressive, but I was waiting for the funny bit.

[bliss]

My therapist says that my social awkwardness is a result of me misinterpretation what people mean. But I think she just wants me.
_____

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I’m going to preach on the subject of LIARS. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand. Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Smiling, the preacher said, “You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark only has 16 Chapters."
_____

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is a bunch of crap. There is nothing you could say that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She smiled and said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
_____

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
_____

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect mini-car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

Pilot philosophy

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed and money.

The two most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the U.S.A.F. would be just another, very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic, controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto: 'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'
If Air Traffic Control screws up, it's called a "System Malfunction,"
If a pilot screws up it's called a "violation."

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 --- on the Richter scale.


Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his sixth unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son . . . this is where the food is."


The three best things in life are: A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.