Jokes

[letsboogie351]

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.


A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud


A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To a small elevator,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

[bliss]

Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer.
The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left.
The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.
The third statistician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "On the average we got it!"
_____

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.

[bliss]

My Garmin

I have a little Garmin
It sits there in my car
A Garmin is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Garmin
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Garmin is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the darned thing off!
_____

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
_____

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
_____