Jokes

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Two Bubbas were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls. One Bubba looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

The other Bubba leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks like he's friendly..."
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"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous
by letting the Government take care of him,
better take a closer look at the American Indian...." Henry Ford
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The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions
when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always
want to marry a virgin?"
To which she handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
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Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which
puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari?
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The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.
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Difference: Liberal, Conservative, Redneck....

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 pistol and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

LIBERAL ANSWER:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:

BANG!

REDNECK ANSWER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ... (sounds of reloading)....

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving. What do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right, Dad. I saw it too ..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Can I have his boots?"

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I hope the wiring on your Cobra looks a little better....

Sunita Williams of NASA provides a tour of the ISS orbital laboratory.

Not funny, but interesting. It's like being able to fly.