Jokes

[Jaydee]

Father, Mother and son went to the circus. Son asks dad.What is that long thing hanging from the elephant? That is the trunk, son. No dad, the long thing at the back? That's the tail, son. No no dad, the long thing between his legs? Son, that's the elephants penis. But dad, when I asked mum, she said it was nothing. Son, your mother has been spoiled.
JD

[bliss]

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! ... the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! ... the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
_____

[bliss]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
____

[bliss]

[bliss]

The State of Texas follows N.Y. releasing map of gun owners....



I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”

I told him “I wish I had your will power”!



I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.



A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “Sorry about the wait”.

I said "Don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually".



I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.

When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change”?

I said "Nope, you're still black".


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks "What is wrong"?
The boy says "Me Ma is dead".
"Oh bejaysus" the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back "You're in that basket up there".

[bliss]

[bliss]