Jokes

[KevinW]

Can I do a topical joke about the conclave.... or is that off limits?

[bliss]

Originally Posted by KevinW

Can I do a topical joke about the conclave.... or is that off limits?

go for it!

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I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly"

That way everyone in the country can get drunk drinking "Responsibly."

And all the other alcoholic drink makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink Responsibly"

A bonus...

A woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?" The woman said "No! And go away!" The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

(Would she still jump?)

[KevinW]

Originally Posted by bliss

go for it!

thats a green light then.....

So:

When the new Pope was elected, apparently there's a new piece of music commissioned to mark the occasion:

Concerto for Organ in A Minor.

[bliss]

I bought all new double insulated, top of the line windows for my house last year.

Home Depot called me yesterday and said I owed them for the windows. I told them what my salesman told me "These windows will pay for themselves within a year".

Helloooooo it’s been over a year, they should be paid for. The guy was silent on the other end so after a few minutes I hung up. I bet they feel really stupid!
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A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What does two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal"?

[bliss]

He was in ecstasy,with a smile on his face,As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....forwards then backwards.....back and forth..back and forth..In and out..in and out..Her heart was pounding faster,her face was getting flushed and she started to grunt and groan.Then she let out one almighty scream!!!! "I can't park this fricken car! You do it!"

[bliss]

I have finally accepted the fact that I'm getting "old." Last weekend, while sitting on the porch, my wife, who had been engaged in some light domestic maintenance, came to me and said "Hey, hon, what I need is a really long screw." Without a second of hesitation I went out to the shed to get her one.

Old age. It sneaks up on you.
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Since I've heard that women always have one breast bigger than the other, I've realized I just have another reason to stare.
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My buddy accidentally slammed his finger in the door of his truck and now his 4-year-old grandson knows a NEW word.

And he's telling everybody.
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I love a good spoonerism joke.

My neighbor, Mr. Figpucker, hates them.
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Women don't design technology because men don't want to press "foreplay" for ten minutes before they can press "play."
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After finding out there has been horse meat in my beef, I'm worried what's in the mayonnaise.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason.
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Yesterday I gave a call to my girl-friend and said:

-You know honey, I have to tell you bad news. My business has collapsed and now I’m totally broke.

As I got home in the evening I found out she was gone. Had walked out on me taking all her belongings with her.
I shrugged my shoulders and said to myself:

-To hell with her. Do I need a woman who’s got no sense of humor?
_____

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows; it's never been done.
_____

Male Vs. Female

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and , best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!