Jokes

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Retirement

Someone recently asked me, “What are you doing since you’ve retired?”

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual adviser.”

Somewhat shocked, they said “I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?”

“Very simple”, I replied.

“The wife has told me that, when she wants my f$$king advice, she'll ask me for it.
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Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this time, child ?” “Why did ye not write to us, not even a line ?” “Why didn't ye call ?” “Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru ?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what ! ? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner ! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

“OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a £5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become ?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'a prostitute, Daddy ! Sniff, sniff.'

“Oh ! My Goodness ! Ye scared me half to death, girl !

I thought ye said a Protestant !

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !”

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Original Sin...

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Have your chocolate and eat it too..

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SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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I was late coming into work again, and the boss was furious.
She called me into her office and said, "What's your excuse this time?"
"I'm sorry, but I overslept," I said.
"For goodness sake, at least tell me something I've not heard before!"
I replied, "You're looking lovely today."
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Oh, so true....

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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Golfing Advantage
Who says women pro golfers are at a disadvantage to men?
Michelle Wie - pro golfer.
Matching lavender outfit worth $2000.
New pair of French sunglasses worth $500.
NIKE products Endorsements worth $10,000,000.



That handy gadget to hold your putter ....

Priceless!!!