Jokes

bliss · #1 (**permalink**) 04-02-2013, 09:42 AM

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
_____

Golfing Advantage
Who says women pro golfers are at a disadvantage to men?
Michelle Wie - pro golfer.
Matching lavender outfit worth $2000.
New pair of French sunglasses worth $500.
NIKE products Endorsements worth $10,000,000.

That handy gadget to hold your putter ....

Priceless!!!

bliss · #2 (**permalink**) 04-03-2013, 10:30 AM

bliss · #3 (**permalink**) 04-03-2013, 03:57 PM

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,
"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

bliss · #4 (**permalink**) 04-04-2013, 10:00 AM

Jewish cab driver...

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you
sumsing, lady“ I vasn't staring at you like you
tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?
_____

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Nah, still not hungry."

"Well," she said, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

bliss · #5 (**permalink**) 04-05-2013, 11:06 AM

Who's on first base?

bliss · #6 (**permalink**) 04-05-2013, 11:15 AM

today's exercise routine...

bliss · #7 (**permalink**) 04-06-2013, 10:24 AM

One Saturday morning in Whyte's Auction House the bidding was proceeding furiously and strongly when the Chief Auctioneer suddenly announced, 'A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars. If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand dollars.

There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a cry, 'Two thousand five hundred.'

bliss · #8 (**permalink**) 04-06-2013, 04:21 PM

O.K., so this politician has a plan, RE:

Gun Magazines are... "One Time Only Use!" ... WHAT??