Jokes

[bliss]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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[bliss]

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich.
The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?"
The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go
without paying for your food."

The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Google it!
The bartender goes into the back room and does a Google search for Panda, which comes back with:

"Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Eats shoots and leaves."
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.... now people get the hell out of my way much faster.
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Breaking News...

[bliss]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $25.00.

"Why so little ?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
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[no joke]

A truly amazing video showing the unique mechanical properties of the Prince Rupert's drop – a tadpole-shaped glass structure created by dropping molten glass in cold water.

The very high residual stress within the bulbous end of the drop allows it to withstand a blow from a hammer. However, a slight touch on the drop’s tail will cause the whole structure to explode. It seems to happen all at once, but a 130,000 frames per second camera reveals exactly how the Prince Rupert drop explodes. Turns out that the fracture runs down the tail at over a mile per second, over 25 times the speed of sound in air.

Mystery of Prince Rupert's Drop at 130,000 fps - Smarter Every Day 86
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Phoenix, AZ UP-API Phoenix Metro bomb disposal experts secured the scene, and were prepared to disarm the device when it was discovered to be an abandoned 1970s dildo.

"It'll be a great birthday present for my wife," PMPD Sgt Bob Bangman said,
"and if it turns out to be a bomb after all.... well, what I'm saying is it's a win-win."

[bliss]

[bliss]

This morning my friend lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

On the way home he stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of his pickup truck and said in a very sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”

He thought a few seconds and asked, “What kinda ammo ya got?”
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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[bliss]

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
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