Jokes

bliss · #1 (**permalink**) 05-29-2013, 11:36 AM

Church Bulletins! - Part 2

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days..

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"

bliss · #2 (**permalink**) 05-30-2013, 10:45 AM

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?
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Dating Guideline By Income Level

SSDI - $12,000 (Internet Porn)
$13,000 - $20,000 (Over-weight white or Hispanic woman with 3 kids)
$21,000 - $30,000 (A mail order bride from Russia or somewhere else in Asia)
$31,000 - $50,000 (A white woman in her late 20’s or early 30’s with 1 or 2 kids)
$51,000 - $75,000 (A college educated women in her early 20’s)
$76,000 - $100,000 (A professional/career woman or a hot dancer at the local strip club)
$110,000 & up (A trophy wife)
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bliss · #3 (**permalink**) 05-30-2013, 02:55 PM

So, someone try this.....

bliss · #4 (**permalink**) 05-31-2013, 08:46 AM

bliss · #5 (**permalink**) 06-01-2013, 08:32 AM

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. "I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took
her to 'Adventure World' theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favorites, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

bliss · #6 (**permalink**) 06-01-2013, 03:29 PM

We had a power outage at our home last night. So, instead of a night of TV, the wife and I spent the time chatting. It was a real eye opener - I'm off to buy a back-up generator today.
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I was at a party on Saturday night, the DJ played 'Sit Down' by James and everybody sat down.

Then he played 'Jump Around' so we all jumped around the dance floor. Next he played 'Come on Eileen' and I got thrown out of the party.
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I knew I had the wrong marriage counselor when I saw her latest book: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin' Bastards"
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I was perfectly happy in Mississippi,
Then Mr. Isippi came back early from a business trip.
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