Jokes

[bliss]

Fact data.....

http://Years You Have Left to Live, Probably...

McDonald's Straws Are Designed to Mimic the Experience of Breastfeeding

[bliss]

[SMOKNAC]

My point exactly

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[bliss]

[bliss]

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
_____



SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

If women are so wonderful at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
_____

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?
_____

If one door closes & another door opens…

you’re probably in prison.
_____

I surprised my wife last night during sex with a little maneuver I like to call "coming home early."
_____

[bliss]

Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.”

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” said Joe, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, “We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it’s the box office.”
_____




English can be weird....

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you, On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word, That looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead -- For goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat… They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not the moth in mother, Nor both in bother, nor broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there, Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,

And then there’s dose and rose and lose -- Just look them up -- and goose and choose.

And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart, Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!

A dreadful language? Why, sakes alive! I’d learned to speak it when I was five.

And yet, to write it, the more I tried, I hadn’t learned it at fifty-five

[bliss]

Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.

Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too.
_____

My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually, so today I drove past the gym.
_____

[bliss]

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pi$$ing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation..

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

[bliss]

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "Would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes," Says the artist.

"It's worthless," Says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
_____



A Cardiologist died and had an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stool behind his casket during the service.

Following the Eulogy the heart opened the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart closed sealing the cardiologist inside forever.

At that point on of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes were staring at him he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking about my own funeral, I am a gynecologist!"

The proctologist fainted.

[bliss]

[bliss]

Amazing word lesson

This is the best, most Interesting English lesson I have had to date.
Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

Do you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards still spells "racecar"?

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English-speaking bungholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you."

How weird is that?

[bliss]

My buddy thought his vasectomy...

would keep his wife from getting pregnant.​

Apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
_____

What a pregnant teen thinks:

My mom is gonna kill me. What the fetus thinks: My mom is gonna kill me.
_____

[bliss]

My wife and I decided to go on an organized trip to Afghanistan, to see for ourselves what the place was like.

It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just few miles north of the station.

We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English!

The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded types glared at us.

My wife stood out in her brightly colored sun-dress, as all the local women were draped in black, head to toe, burkas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Dave our group leader, ushered us off the train and around the corner from the Minneapolis Train Station to the Greyhound terminal, where we continued our journey safely to The Minneapolis International Airport.
_____

[bliss]

Astute Observations...

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”

I don't do drugs anymore. I find I get the same effect just by standing up quickly.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make a Bloody Mary.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing;
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
_____

[bliss]

Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife...
_____

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.
_____

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum

cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.

''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove

all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[cycleguy55]

In honour of Thanksgiving for our U.S. friends - the famous / infamous WKRP in Cincinnati turkey drop video:
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf3mgmEdfwg[/ame]

[bliss]

Originally Posted by cycleguy55

In honour of Thanksgiving for our U.S. friends - the famous / infamous WKRP in Cincinnati turkey drop video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf3mgmEdfwg

You know, turkeys can fly, right? We have wild turkeys flying around here all the time.

[bliss]

She's single... She's shapely... She's beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Donating blood in Scotland

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
_____

My wife said she wanted to make me happy in the bedroom. So now the bedroom has a 65-inch LED TV, a fridge full of beer, and she sleeps on the couch.
_____