SENSITIVE MAN TEST:
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared :
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is :
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is :
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
D. Gay
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate :
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
_____
A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."
_____
THE ART OF FALLING APART
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.
_____
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