Jokes

[bliss]

Headlines In The Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.


White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.


Baby conceived naturally....Scientists stumped.


Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.


Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.


Results of 35 year study: diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.


Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.


Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.


Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
_____

Having a good day....

[bliss]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief stoically replied, "My bike."
_____

[bliss]

Why Marine veterans have it hard getting a job....

Job Interview

Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness ?"

Old Marine: "Honesty"

Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness !"

Old Marine: "I don't give a sh#t what you think"

[bliss]

When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
_____

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."

God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."

Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
_____

How come you can't find lawyers sunbathing on the beach?

Cats keep covering them over with sand.
_____

[bliss]

'I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.'
_____

[bliss]

Dog training done well...

[bliss]

How to Open a Beer - The Ultimate Compilation