Jokes

[bliss]

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
_____

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
_____



Do you ever have days like this....

[bliss]

A newlywed couple gets back from their honeymoon and
the husband decides that he wants to watch the video
of their first night as husband and wife.

He plays the tape and hears his wife say, "Ahh, ahh,
that's happiness. Ahh, ahh, that's happiness."

Just then, his new bride walks in and says, "You moron,
that's slo-motion." She rewinds the tape and plays it at
normal speed:
"Ha, ha, that's a penis? Ha, ha, that's a penis?"
_____

High speed train - California bound.....

[Link deleted by Jamo]

[bliss]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
_____

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bast$rd in the family than a lawyer."