Jokes

[392cobra]

Drinking With A Texas Girl


An illegal immigrant Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas Girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer
('cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make
glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The TEXAS Girl , cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Texas , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'

GOD BLESS TEXAS!

[Jaydee]

new York Guy please explain why this is funny. I don't get the joke?
JD

[bliss]

Positive attitude...

Saturday night a friend of mine gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital. ICU, tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function, a hell of a pain over his left ear, and an absolutely gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at him deep & steady and he heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

He managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your breasts, then?'

NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.



Why those old time remedies worked...

[bliss]

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDdZHIuAzVQ"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDdZHIuAzVQ[/ame]

[bliss]

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas).

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

"However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life,the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."
_____

I know this board likes trivia. Here's a bit of trivia a bet nobody here knows…

Long ago there were two Jewish brothers from Poland by the last name of Perske. Yitzhak Perske moved his family to Israel. He had a son named Shimon Perske.

The other brother moved to the US and had a son named William Perske.

So Shimon and William were first cousins.

William had a daughter named Betty Joan Perske.

Shimon Perske changed decided to Hebraize his last name to Peres.

If the name Shimon Peres sounds familiar, it's because he became a famous politician, serving two terms as Prime Minister. Just three weeks ago he completed a term as President of Israel.

As for his cousin's daughter, she also changed her name. As her last name, she used her mother's maiden name of Bacall. And she changed her first name to Lauren.

I was thinking about this because I just read the said news that Lauren Bacall (OBM) passed away just a few hours ago.

[bliss]

Ever wonder why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell?
There's apparently more traffic going to hell.
_____

Welcome to Alzheimer's Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
_____

"You know, if you take everything I've done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent."
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My vacuum cleaner broke. I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it, and now it sucks again.
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Summer is officially coming to an end and you know what that means... all you half naked ladies are going to have to find a personality.
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Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.
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You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
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Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.
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Sometimes I text and drive. I know it's dangerous, but I do stupid things when I'm drunk.
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No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom.

I'm no longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
_____

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
_____

[bliss]

A teenage grand-daughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her, "Loosen up, Granny, these are modern times, you've got to let your rosebuds show", and she goes out.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother just smiles and says, "Loosen up, Sweetie, if you can show off your rosebuds then I can display my hanging baskets."
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