Jokes

[bliss]

I tried donating blood today... NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
_____

[bliss]

Why is sex is like software?
For every one who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.
_____

If slim and fat are opposites...

Then how come “slim chance” and “fat chance” are similar?
_____

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry,
at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person _over 58 years of age_ cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fool cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

[Ron61]

Three football teams (Arsnel, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive. After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it. The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver." The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart." Arsnel says, "I think we might go hungry..."

[Ron61]

Ron

[bliss]

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. “Mr. Avery, I have exactly the one you need.

You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the Matchmaker.

“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine!”
_____

A banker calls in an oilman to review his loans. "We loaned you a million to revive your old wells, and they went dry," says the banker.

"Coulda been worse," replies the oilman.

"Then we loaned you a million to drill new wells, and they were all dry holes."

"Coulda been worse," answers the oilman.

"Then we loaned you another million for new drilling equipment, and it broke down."

"Coulda been worse," says the oilman.

"I'm tired of hearing that," snaps the banker. "How the hell could it have been worse?"

"Coulda been my money," says the oilman."

[bliss]

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life,
let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
_____

The best submissions for male or female nouns:

******

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a
wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening
bottles.


WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.
Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male.
But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
_____

Dating Rituals:

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mum makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you never get oral sex again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing hapens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[Ron61]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Ron

[bliss]

A son asked his father why he talks so quiet in the house. The father replied because the government is listening to everything we say. The son laughed, the father started laughing, and Alexa started laughing as well.
_____

Getting older.....

I swear, if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party!

You know you’re getting older when an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee.

With age comes skills, it’s called “multi-tasking”. Now you can laugh, cough, sneeze, fart, and pee all at the same time!
_____

Want to save 15% or more on car insurance?

Leave the scene of an accident.
_____

Two young girls walk by a house on a hot summer day and notice an old woman eating watermelon and not wearing any panties.

Girls: "Is it cooler not wearing panties?"

Old woman: "I don't think so, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."
_____

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. I don't get it at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Auto-correct. I meant "wifi" not "wife."

[Ron61]

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

Ron

[bliss]

People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
_____

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $100.

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.
_____

Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.
Meanness don't just happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something' that ain't bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinking' you're a person of some influence, try ordering' somebody else's dog around.
Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and enjoy the ride.
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just shoot you!
_____

For Christmas, I bought my son an iPad and my grand-daughter an iPod.
The wife gave me an iPhone and I got her an iRon.
She wasn’t overjoyed, even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network.
So she activated the iNag software which totally wiped out the iShag function.
So now iWank.

[Ron61]

The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing

[bliss]

Electronic Lobotomy

As I feel more and more alone, my phone confidently connects with everyone. As I feel more and more lost, my phone calmly knows how to get anywhere. As I struggle to remember mundane things like the name of that movie with the boat and the guy with the lip, my phone smugly recalls literally everything. As I increasingly lose the nouns, verbs and adjectives that once stood ready to articulate my thoughts, my phone taunts me with its instant access to all the words there have ever been. There is only one possible conclusion. Slowly, without realizing it, I seem to have outsourced my mind to my phone. And to make matters worse, the damn thing knows it... and it's starting to screw with me. Several times during the day I feel it buzz in my pocket, alerting me that some vital information has just arrived. Then, when I look, there's nothing there. No email. No text. Nothing. Was the buzz in my mind? I don't think so. I think it's purposeful. I think my phone is mocking me. And it's not just my phone. It's all of them. They are working together, systematically robbing us of our intelligence, our humanity. And then, when we are made stupid and helpless, they will take over. It's just a matter of time before the next generation of iPhone is equipped with an opposable thumb. Oh yeah, they're smart alright. Evil, world domination smart. I have to call people and tell them... Oh, great, now I have no bars! Dear God, what is happening?!
_____

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, monsieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"
_____

I was at a job interview today for a sales position when the manager handed me his laptop and said,

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

He called me and said, "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."
_____

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men

Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
_____

[bliss]

"My brother worked in the mayor's election campaign, hoping to get a city job after the election."

"WOW -- what's he doing now?"

"Nothing. He got the job."
_____

An anonymous confession spotted recently in the Gazette-Telegram:

"The one comforting aspect of being an economist is that no one else can predict the future either."
_____

The man who invented autocorrect has died. My he roast in piss.
_____

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified
to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
_____

Truisms....

If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears,
don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!


My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence,
and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.


Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!


It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something complicated.


Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.


I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.


If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

[Ron61]

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

[trularin]

So you guys just tell jokes??

[bliss]

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive.

Finally, the bees got tired of it. Being the intelligent bees that they were, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees hear from the fields, and then the bees come back to protect
their home.

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.

Now obviously, the security of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So he has to be constantly ready and on the alert to be able to do his job.

And that is why people say,
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"I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."
_____

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this Father?”.

The Father responded, “Son I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don’t know what it is!”

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers
above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, “Go get your Mother”.
_____

Judging by all the screaming and moaning, I'm not sure whether the vegan couple next door were shagging or if they just had bacon for the first time.
_____

Two cowboys are talking about their favorite sex position.

One says, "I think that I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"Hmmm, I don't think I've ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy. "What's that?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours -- and you mount her from behind -- and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands -- and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy these feel just like your sister's" -- and then you try to hold on for 10 seconds.
_____

Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies were talking about the stress of
leaving their families.

A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered
the following advice:

"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

[bliss]

There are loads of scams on the Internet,

but for $19.99 I can show you how to avoid them.
_____

The reason beer goes through you so fast is...

because it doesn't have to change color on the way through.
_____

One day, I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids have put me in a nursing home.
_____

I'm dating this broad from upstate, and she invited me over her place to watch a movie. I'm sittin there and she takes out 2 boxes of Kleenex and told me that she rates her movies based on how many boxes of
tissues she goes thru.

"What a coincidence," I said. "Me too".
_____

Remember when "it's complicated" was a relationship status, not a gender status?
_____
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night when Satan appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your children’s children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and your parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment with a puzzled face, then asked, “OK, so… How's the catch?”
_____

[bliss]

No. of Recommendations: 25
I had a blind date last night.
But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive?
I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.
It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you ignore it.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
It works every time.

So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.
She was gorgeous!

Just as we were about to head out to the restaurant, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"
_____



A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s arrested is called an accomplice.

A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called a lawyer.

A person helping a company evade law is called a politician.

[Slamed]

I Found out the Main difference between a wife and a dog. Lock em both in your trunk, come back in an hour, the dog will be HAPPY to see you!

[AngeloB]

What did the pen say to the pencil ?

Answer - You are lookin sharp !