Jokes

[bliss]

Facebook, in Real Life.

For those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and, I tell them I love them and, it works! I already have 6 people following me:

- 2 police officers;
- a psychiatrist;
- and a staff of 3 from the local Insane Asylum's Ambulance-Capture-Crew.
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An elderly couple were at home watching TV.* Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,*"For*God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"*
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A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a dozen Viagra pills.
The pharmacist asks, "Do you have a prescription?"
He replies: "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
_____

"Doc, I've got this problem" the man says. "My secretary, she loves to
give BJ.

Every morning when I get to work I get a BJ. She gives me a
quick one before I leave for lunch.

And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac" the man continued.

"I service her every morning when we get up.

I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime and then we
have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is" said the doctor.

"Well, every time I masturbate, I get these dizzy spells."
_____

More than anything else, doughnuts have contributed to my personal growth.
_____

Are you a real pilot?

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'