Jokes

[bliss]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
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I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

[bliss]

I told my dog to play dead, so he jumped up on my wife's side of the bed and just laid there.
_____

I taught my dog to beg.

He came home yesterday with twenty-six dollars.
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[bliss]

The teacher asked her students to give examples of using the word
beautiful twice in the same sentence. Mary held up her hand.

"My mother made a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"That's very good," the teacher said, "anyone else?"

Lois volunteered with "I picked some beautiful flowers and made a beautiful bouquet."

"Very good," the teacher said. "Anyone else?"

Johnny held up his hand. The teacher hesitated, but then decided to let him speak.

Johnny said:"When my sister said she was pregnant, my father said, 'beautiful, just f***ing beautiful'".
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[bliss]

Funny how women say we need to talk, when they really mean you need to listen.
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If I’ve learned anything in life...

it’s that not enough people are at a loss for words.
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Want his attention? Send nudes.

Want to piss him off? When he responds, reply "Oops, wrong person"
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Dear couples who fight in public...

Stop trying to whisper, and would it kill you to include some backstory.
_____

Some people have a way with words,

others not have way.
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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
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[bliss]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
_____

[bliss]

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.


He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached
into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"


"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."
_____

Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year....

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

[bliss]

I've decided women are like gremlins.....

....they start out cute, quirky, and fun to play with, but the first time you get them wet they multiply and terrorize you for the rest of your life.
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