Jokes

[bliss]

My wife and I decided to go on an organized trip to Afghanistan, to see for ourselves what the place was like.

It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just few miles north of the station.

We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English!

The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded types glared at us.

My wife stood out in her brightly colored sun-dress, as all the local women were draped in black, head to toe, burkas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Dave our group leader, ushered us off the train and around the corner from the Minneapolis Train Station to the Greyhound terminal, where we continued our journey safely to The Minneapolis International Airport.
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[bliss]

Astute Observations...

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”

I don't do drugs anymore. I find I get the same effect just by standing up quickly.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make a Bloody Mary.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing;
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
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[bliss]

Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife...
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A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum

cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.

''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove

all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."