Jokes

[bliss]

Drive-through ATM:

Him: Pull up to ATM,insert card, enter PIN, take cash,card and receipt,drive away.

Her: Pull up to ATM,back up and pull forward to get closer,shut off engine,put keys in purse,get out of car because you are too far from machine,hunt in purse for card,insert card,hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it,enter PIN,study instructions,hit "cancel",re-insert card and re-enter correct PIN,check balance,look for envelope,look in purse for pen,make cash withdrawal,get in car,check makeup,look for keys,start car,check makeup,start pulling away,stop,back up to machine,get out of car,take card and receipt,get back in car,put card in wallet, put receipt in check book,enter withdrawal in check book,clear area in purse for wallet and check book,check makeup put car in reverse,put car in first gear,drive away from machine,drive three miles,release handbrake.
_____



A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
_____

[bliss]

I am going bananas. That’s what I say to my bananas before I leave the house.

If anybody can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you're a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually.

"Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?

One of Jesus' most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you're so lazy you think "Meh, whatever. I had a good run."

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

I'd be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.

If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.”
You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary. Alternately, let your monocle fall from an eye socket into your drink.

Tell a girl shes pretty 100 times, she won’t believe you. Tell a girl she’s fat once and she'll remember it forever cause elephants never forget.

[bliss]

Tragic News

The man who invented autocorrect has died. His funfair is next monkey.
_____

[SMOKNAC]

This is too true to be funny!

The next time you hear a politician use the Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, But one advertising agency did a good job of Putting that figure into some perspective in One of its releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain . . . let's take a look at New Orleans . . . It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) was asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS To rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number. What does it mean?

A. Well, If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman and child) You each get $516,528.00.
B. Or, If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.00.
C. Or, If you are a family of four - Your family gets $2,066,012.00.

HELLO Washington, D.C
Are all your calculators broken?
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax (i.e. death tax is taxing money that tax has already been paid on)
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-Recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes!

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago.
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world.
And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
And I still have to Press '1' for English.
What happened?
Can you spell ‘Democrat AND Republican Politicians’!
I hope this goes around the USA at least 100 times
What the hell happened to our country?????

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by SMOKNAC

This is too true to be funny!

The next time you hear a politician use the Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, But one advertising agency did a good job of Putting that figure into some perspective in One of its releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain . . . let's take a look at New Orleans . . . It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) was asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS To rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number. What does it mean?

A. Well, If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman and child) You each get $516,528.00.
B. Or, If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.00.
C. Or, If you are a family of four - Your family gets $2,066,012.00.

HELLO Washington, D.C
Are all your calculators broken?
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax (i.e. death tax is taxing money that tax has already been paid on)
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-Recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes!

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago.
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world.
And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
And I still have to Press '1' for English.
What happened?
Can you spell ‘Democrat AND Republican Politicians’!
I hope this goes around the USA at least 100 times
What the hell happened to our country?????

Sorry but the feds do not get the sales tax, vehicle taxes, school tax, etc. Those are state or local, not federal. Now this does not mean we are not overtaxed, but so long as we want a military, an interstate system, food and drug regulation, etc. there will be a cost to do so.