Jokes

[bliss]

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably the Family Dog.
_____

[bliss]

The line at DMV inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
_____

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
3. A dog's parents never visit.
4. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
5. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

[bliss]

People ask me why I don't have any tattoos...

For the same reason you don't put a bumper sticker on a Cobra.

[SMOKNAC]

Art of the Deal
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get you a better deal. See you later, grandpa.”
Never mess with the elderly!

[bliss]

Two Sides to a Story......

Sharon and Leanne are out having a coffee and catching up.

"So, how was your evening last night, Sharon?"

"A disaster! After getting home, Kevin wolfed down in four minutes, the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, granted me three minutes of sex, before rolling over and falling asleep, two minutes later. Nightmare! And you?"

"Oh, mine was incredible. Mike was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late. It was wonderful!"

Meanwhile, Kevin and Mike were at the pub.

"So, how was your evening last night, Kevin?"

"Incredible! When I came home, Sharon had the food ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. You?"

"A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when Leanne arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was fine but was so expensive, I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these friggin' candles, to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing....just a total disaster!!"
_____

[bliss]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
_____

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.
_____

[bliss]

When you're getting paid by the job, not the hour.