Jokes

[bliss]

Two Sides to a Story......

Sharon and Leanne are out having a coffee and catching up.

"So, how was your evening last night, Sharon?"

"A disaster! After getting home, Kevin wolfed down in four minutes, the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, granted me three minutes of sex, before rolling over and falling asleep, two minutes later. Nightmare! And you?"

"Oh, mine was incredible. Mike was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late. It was wonderful!"

Meanwhile, Kevin and Mike were at the pub.

"So, how was your evening last night, Kevin?"

"Incredible! When I came home, Sharon had the food ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. You?"

"A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when Leanne arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was fine but was so expensive, I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these friggin' candles, to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing....just a total disaster!!"
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[bliss]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
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I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.
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[bliss]

When you're getting paid by the job, not the hour.

[bliss]

Dating Definitions

• DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

• EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

• EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

• FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

• INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

• IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

• NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

• SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

• ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

• LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

• LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.