Jokes

[bliss]

The history of the middle finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
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What is the definition of eternity?

Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection
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I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny to watch cops chase a donut truck on the news..
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The way it should be.......

Hello... Thank you for calling

For English press 1
for any other language please hang up and relocate to the country where its spoken
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I gazed into her eyes.

My heart was pounding.
Lips trembling, unable to speak.
She opened her little mouth and uttered three words, I'll never forget.

THAT'S HIM OFFICER.......

[bliss]

Misc.....

If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to...
Husband: Do you mean with other people?

My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!"
Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.

Sometimes I'm right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.

My wife remains very racist in her approach to laundry.

My wife dropped her keys & said "What's WRONG with me?"
I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.

Generally speaking, a woman's hotness is directly proportional to the number of times your wife calls her a whore.

After sex with my wife, I like to light a cigarette and just lie in bed.
I’ve quit smoking.
20 years ago.

My wife's idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.

Starting to think my wife might have a tumor.
She's had a headache for the past 15 years.

The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when I was watching porn under the electric blanket.

Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I.

If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."

My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused.
Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

My wife is a big tennis fan, tells me how disgusting she finds the constant grunting during the women's matches.
I promised her I'd try to stop.

I tell my wife we are broke so we don't end up broke.

As I sit here naked in Hugh Jackman's hotel room, it occurs to me that I might have mixed up my bucket list with my wife's.

Nice that after 17 years of marriage I can still have a sex dream about my wife.
Last night the role of my wife was played by Jessica Alba.

Married my wife for her looks.
Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
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[bliss]

A four year old came home from Sunday School one day, His Dad asked him what he'd learned that day.

The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

The Mom cracked up and told the son, "Yes, my dear Actually the word is circumcised... but either way, the answer is Yes!
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Child: "Am I descended from a monkey?

Mother: "I don't know. I never met your father's family."
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What is the ideal weight for a Mother in law?

About 2.3lbs, including the urn.
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[bliss]

Professional stunt cat....



Knock, knock....

[bliss]

Quickies.....

I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

I threw a boomerang a couple of years ago.
I now live in constant fear.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It is a shame that they will never meet.

Someone stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about it.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I'm OK.
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Meanings:

Mirage a Trois - act of having sex with two imaginary people.

Dijon Vu - the feeling you've tasted this mustard before.

Bone Voyage - an archaelogical trip.

Haste Cuisine - French fast food.

Et Tu Brute - I like your aftershave.

Posh Mortem - death styles of the rich and famous.

Ad Hoc - pawn shop advertisement.

Latte: Latin for "you paid too much for that coffee."

Cogito Ergo Spud - I think therefore I yam.

Zit alors! - my God, what a pimple.

[bliss]

My goal for 2016 is to lose just 10 pounds. Only got 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really, just one big,
round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. OK, FINE, it was a
pizza!

How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking face first into a spider
web.

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20
minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they
closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....
Hmmmmm, I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 80. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so
I woke up and searched with him.
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[bliss]

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news. The guy asks for the bad news first. The nurse says: "We're going to have to remove your legs."
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says: "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."
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Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"
Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job that long."
Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"
Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know it."
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3 friends golf every Friday.

One day they get paired with a beautiful beautiful woman.

On the 18th hole the woman is on the green waiting to putt. She turns to the group of men and says "If I sink this 25 foot putt I will shoot under par for the first time ever. Whoever helps me will be awarded with a night of crazy wild sex."

The first guy says "aim it left a foot outside the hole"
The second guy says "No, no, it is definitely a little right of the hole"

Everyone looks at the third guy. He walks behind the ball, looks at the hole, and finally says "That's a gimme" and picks up the ball.
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The new Marine Corps....