Jokes

[bliss]

I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.

It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you ignore it.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"

It works every time.

So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.

She was gorgeous!

Just as we were about to head out to the restaurant, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"
_____

[bliss]

Difference between 850 vs 10,000 hp

Most Honest Viper Craigslist Ad Ever



Okay. Full disclosure. I almost killed myself in it.

It is VERY powerful. Extremely, EXTREMELY fast.

I’ve driven Ferrari’s that don’t feel as crazy as this thing. I am frankly afraid of it now.
That’s right. It’s in my garage and I’m afraid to drive it because it’s like a crazy steroid bull that wants to kill me.

I’ve done 130 mph on a Ducati while laughing into the face of death. The viper is a completely different bowl of crack. The engine sounds like 40 pit bulls eating kittens while lifting weights.

I cannot truly explain it’s power. It has whiplash acceleration in 3rd gear at 50mph. That sentence doesn’t even make sense. But it’s true.

That’s why I’m telling you. I will not have your soul on my conscience.

You need to know what you are getting into. What insane level of crazy you are buying.
Can you resist the urge to mash down the accelerator? Can you? Because it’s like owning your own demon. A demon that wants to kill you. We all know one person that for the right amount of money would kill you. But since no one is paying, they smile in your face and go about their day.

It’s like that except the Viper doesn’t bother to ever pretend it doesn’t want to kill you.

And it will do it for free.

Some brilliant engineer designed a beautiful sexy bulging body, fantastic suspension, great handling, aerodynamics, and all American style. While he was out on his lunch break, some demented maniac dropped 100 times more engine power than necessary into it and sent it out the door. It’s mentally unbalanced.

Look,
If you are the type of person that can be talked into having one more drink at midnight when you have a very important presentation or interview early the next morning, then the Viper is not for you.

The whole car is constantly whispering sweet lies to you.
“You got this”.
“Open me up and ride free, you got this”
“What are you a *****?”
“Just do it”, “Do it”, “you got this”.

Do not do it. You don’t got it. You ARE in fact a *****. And as we all know, ***** is mad good. But not that good.
You will sit on the curb and settle your heart after it tries to kill you the first time.
You will get back inside and it will immediately get back to the business of trying to get you to let it murder you.
“You got this. This time you know. That last time was just a fluke. You ain’t no *****”.

Repeat after me.
You
Don’t
Got
This.

But for $30k you can look the devil in the eye and take this ride.

You were warned.

[bliss]

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as the one for living in California. - When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

A smart husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.

The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.

I'm currently helping my wife look for her chocolates that I ate last Friday.

My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man... WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...
I've been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.

Water is so good when it's mixed with barley, hops, and yeast.

Not rewinding VHS movies after watching the nude scenes was the original not clearing your browser history.

It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye; unless you're Stevie Wonder, then it's just ironic.

“Do you have anything with 3-5 pounds of rhinestones on the butt?”
—Upper-middle class ladies shopping for jeans

Some guy named Rand McNally printed out a bunch of Google maps and sells them at gas stations. Weird.

Trying to make a list of things that are worse than Mondays and all I've got so far is Hitler and Christian Rock.

I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

I eat things based on the amount of dishes I have to use.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change cuz I don't want to get up and find the remote.

"Ohhhh!! I didn't hear the 'lasting more than four hours' part. I'm sorry I called you at home, doctor."

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

You don't realize just how eco-friendly clowns are until you think about how much they carpool.

Steven Wright Quotes.....

1- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
12 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

[bliss]

Irony.....

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"Well, then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!

You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.

Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take siestas with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."