Jokes

[bliss]

I thought my dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
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It might be time to quit driving when Siri tells you, "In 400 feet, stop and let me out!"
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So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt.

I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

I may not know what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it brilliantly.

A dollar may not go as far as it used to, but what it lacks in distance, it makes up for in speed.

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 30 years won't fix.

Is there a Bureau of Missing Personalities?

I know I'm beautiful on the inside ... I have the colonoscopy video to prove it.

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

In a recent poll, 60 percent of people believe their workplace is louder now than it was five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.

I was visiting a monastery recently and I saw a sign that read, "In case of fire, break vow of silence."
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"My wife decided to see what it was like dressing up like one of those Muslim women in a hijab. Well, today she was punched in the face, spat at, slapped and got kicked up the #$%$. God knows what is to happen when she actually leaves the house”.
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I just saw a hot mom at McDonald's spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
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When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...