Jokes

[bliss]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere,
the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman


One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
while the American woman keeps on *****ing about her body being her own,
the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do,
about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores,
how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer,
and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman,
who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery.

After the first few liters of coconut whiskey, they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that a least the English are not getting any.
______

It's not easy being a man:

- If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

- If she has a headache, she's not in the mood. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

- If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

- If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

- If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

- If you want it too often, you're oversexed; if you don't, there must be someone else.
_____

[bliss]

My Ex-Girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
_____

How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while?



He's wearing a wedding ring.
_____

My horoscope was so wrong today…

I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
_____

[bliss]

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening.
They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley.
Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away.
One remarked to her colleague, "You know, the person who did this really needs help."
_____

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course,
heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while,
and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile,
She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said.
_____

GODS PLAN FOR AGING.....


Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom,
God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses,
keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom, He made seniors
lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have
additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom,
thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.

So - if you find as you age that you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will.
It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years -
unless you give them your email address.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

[bliss]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.”
.
Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! This is Gasoline!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”
.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
.
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
.
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
.
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!!!!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
.
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
.
Moral of the story: Just because you're ‘Young’ doesn't mean that you can outsmart an ‘old Geezer’!
.
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. (Especially Jamo)

[bliss]

I saw two guys walking down the street in matching clothing.

I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.
_____

I bought some Gourmet salt.

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million-year-old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiration date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time.
_____

I just had a near-sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.
_____

A Canadian is just an unarmed American with health insurance.
_____

I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website.

That lying bi*^h isn’t “fun to be around”.
_____

[SMOKNAC]

The Robot:

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

The Robot for is sale.