Jokes

[bliss]

Philosophy for today.....

I found this timely because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond. ...Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance.'

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The' and ' IRS ' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

[bliss]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car along a winding road when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deterioated and
the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?




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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women - Stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

For all you men - Keep scrolling

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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the perfect woman must have been driving.
And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading this,
it just illustrates another point.
Women never listen either.

[bliss]

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army!

The interviewer, "We want a person with a suspicious mind, always alert,
merciless, ready to attack, an acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly, having a KILLER INSTINCT !!!
So do you think you are eligible?"

Man, "No Sir, but........ can my Wife apply..?"
_____

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years,
until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.

They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: "Butter - 10 Francs"

In response, the lady added a sign to her own window: "Butter - 9 Francs"

The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: "Butter - 8 Francs"
Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read: "7 Franc."

This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady's customers pointed to the sign and said, "Madam, you cannot keep your prices so low for long.
These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, "Monsieur, I don't even sell butter."
_____

When a fly falls into a cup of coffee……

The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian – Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian, so there will be peace!

[bliss]

A guy went into a bar and tried to order a fruit punch.

The bartender said, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looked around but there was no punch line.

[bliss]

Sort of like building a Cobra.....

https://streamable.com/20pa

[FWB]

they're going over to patrick's house for tech tips

[SMOKNAC]

Thoughts to ponder...

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.