Jokes

[bliss]

I love sleeping. It's like being dead...........

without the commitment.
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If people could read my mind...................

I'd get punched in the face a lot.
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How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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I'm proficient in three languages:

English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.
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I like you, but...........................

if Zombies start chasing us, I'm tripping you.
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I went back to my hometown and decided to visit the house I grew up in.

I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!"

My parents can be so grouchy sometimes.
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Dog owner: Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner.

Vet: That's perfectly normal. He's a boxer.