Jokes

[CSX 4133]

*Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol*:

*This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.*

*What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?*

*Here's her story in her own words:*

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.*

*If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!*

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”*

[Ron61]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[bliss]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....
_____

Nine hundred and ninety-nine islands have contributed to this salad dressing so far, but I still feel like it’s missing something.
_____

I went for a run today.

It was a beer run, but I was sweating.
_____

Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield.
_____

Two cowboys are standing in front of their bunkhouse and shooting the breeze about their favorite position for sex.

One cowboy sez, "I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
The other cowboy replies, "Never heard of that one. What's that ?"

"Well, you get your girlfriend down on all fours, you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy these feel just like your sister's' -- and then you try to hold on for at least 7 seconds."

[Ron61]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”