Jokes

[CSX 4133]

THE CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl !

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell. '

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for
4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads’

[Ron61]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Ron

[Ron61]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

[bliss]

[bliss]

I just had a physical.
The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty"
I said, "Like bacon, and burgers?"
He said, "No fatty, don't eat anything!"
_____

This is what all of us 80+-year-olds, and those yet-to-be, have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there had small apartments but they all ate at a central cafeteria.

One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of a time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts.
_____

I'm sure my coworker is having an affair with my wife...

He's been very miserable lately.
_____

A blond is in a car crash and she says, "I think I have a concussion." The paramedic asks, "How many fingers do I have up?" The blond shrieks, "Oh my God! I am paralyzed from the waist down, too!"

[Ron61]

That was a good one Bliss and I have to remember it.

Ron

[bliss]

What's the difference between MPH & MPG?

About 40 years

If you need an explanationn...naw, forget it.
_____

Marriage is like a violin...

after all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
_____

A 90-year-old man on his birthday gets a knock on his front door. He slowly goes down the stairs and opens the door. At his door is a beautiful young woman in a bikini with a bunch of balloons. "I'm here to give you Super Sex! ", she exclaims. The old man replies, " I'll take the Soup! ".
_____

An old couple vacationing in Vermont when they stopped for gas. While filling their car the attendant says to the man, "I see you're from New York". The wife, who can hardly hear, yells out "What did he say ?'. The old man screams, "He sees we're from New York !". The attendant then remarks, "Beautiful state New York'. The wife yells out, "What did he say ?". The old man, getting irritated, screams, "He likes New York state !". Then the attendant leans in toward the man and says, "But had the worse sex in my life in New York". The woman yells out, 'What did he say, what did he say?". The old man screams "He said he thinks he knows you !".