Jokes

[bliss]

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
"She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
"She will praise you!
"She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"
Of course, the rest is history!!!!
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You know it's going to be a bad day when:

- the fortune teller charges you half-price.

- your cat chokes to death on your goldfish.

- your suggestion box starts ticking.

- you call the Suicide Hotline and they put you on hold.

- the exterminator crawls under your house and never comes back out.

- your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- you find the Yellow Pages open at "hitmen."

- your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
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Since some folks have decided that "Baby it’s Cold Outside" should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity　

White Christmas? Racist

Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker　

Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired

Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer: Come on the name says it all! Reckless driving, attempted murder, elder abuse!
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I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.

When they say no I yell, “DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.
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It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.