Jokes

[bliss]

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. “Mr. Avery, I have exactly the one you need.

You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the Matchmaker.

“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine!”
_____

A banker calls in an oilman to review his loans. "We loaned you a million to revive your old wells, and they went dry," says the banker.

"Coulda been worse," replies the oilman.

"Then we loaned you a million to drill new wells, and they were all dry holes."

"Coulda been worse," answers the oilman.

"Then we loaned you another million for new drilling equipment, and it broke down."

"Coulda been worse," says the oilman.

"I'm tired of hearing that," snaps the banker. "How the hell could it have been worse?"

"Coulda been my money," says the oilman."

[bliss]

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life,
let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
_____

The best submissions for male or female nouns:

******

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a
wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening
bottles.


WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.
Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male.
But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
_____

Dating Rituals:

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mum makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you never get oral sex again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing hapens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[Ron61]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Ron

[bliss]

A son asked his father why he talks so quiet in the house. The father replied because the government is listening to everything we say. The son laughed, the father started laughing, and Alexa started laughing as well.
_____

Getting older.....

I swear, if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party!

You know you’re getting older when an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee.

With age comes skills, it’s called “multi-tasking”. Now you can laugh, cough, sneeze, fart, and pee all at the same time!
_____

Want to save 15% or more on car insurance?

Leave the scene of an accident.
_____

Two young girls walk by a house on a hot summer day and notice an old woman eating watermelon and not wearing any panties.

Girls: "Is it cooler not wearing panties?"

Old woman: "I don't think so, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."
_____

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. I don't get it at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Auto-correct. I meant "wifi" not "wife."

[Ron61]

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

Ron