Jokes

[bliss]

People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
_____

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $100.

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.
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Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.
Meanness don't just happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something' that ain't bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinking' you're a person of some influence, try ordering' somebody else's dog around.
Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and enjoy the ride.
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just shoot you!
_____

For Christmas, I bought my son an iPad and my grand-daughter an iPod.
The wife gave me an iPhone and I got her an iRon.
She wasn’t overjoyed, even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network.
So she activated the iNag software which totally wiped out the iShag function.
So now iWank.

[Ron61]

The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing

[bliss]

Electronic Lobotomy

As I feel more and more alone, my phone confidently connects with everyone. As I feel more and more lost, my phone calmly knows how to get anywhere. As I struggle to remember mundane things like the name of that movie with the boat and the guy with the lip, my phone smugly recalls literally everything. As I increasingly lose the nouns, verbs and adjectives that once stood ready to articulate my thoughts, my phone taunts me with its instant access to all the words there have ever been. There is only one possible conclusion. Slowly, without realizing it, I seem to have outsourced my mind to my phone. And to make matters worse, the damn thing knows it... and it's starting to screw with me. Several times during the day I feel it buzz in my pocket, alerting me that some vital information has just arrived. Then, when I look, there's nothing there. No email. No text. Nothing. Was the buzz in my mind? I don't think so. I think it's purposeful. I think my phone is mocking me. And it's not just my phone. It's all of them. They are working together, systematically robbing us of our intelligence, our humanity. And then, when we are made stupid and helpless, they will take over. It's just a matter of time before the next generation of iPhone is equipped with an opposable thumb. Oh yeah, they're smart alright. Evil, world domination smart. I have to call people and tell them... Oh, great, now I have no bars! Dear God, what is happening?!
_____

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, monsieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"
_____

I was at a job interview today for a sales position when the manager handed me his laptop and said,

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

He called me and said, "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."
_____

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men

Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
_____

[bliss]

"My brother worked in the mayor's election campaign, hoping to get a city job after the election."

"WOW -- what's he doing now?"

"Nothing. He got the job."
_____

An anonymous confession spotted recently in the Gazette-Telegram:

"The one comforting aspect of being an economist is that no one else can predict the future either."
_____

The man who invented autocorrect has died. My he roast in piss.
_____

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified
to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
_____

Truisms....

If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears,
don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!


My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence,
and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.


Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!


It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something complicated.


Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.


I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.


If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

[Ron61]

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

[bliss]

There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. 'Unprovoked' -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: 'Hey shark, you freakin' lookin' at me? You got a problem or somethin'? I got somethin' for you to bite right here!'
_____

If I were a plastic surgeon I would put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

[bliss]

I'd just sold my homing pigeon on eBay... for the 22nd time.
_____

NEWS - HARLEY DAVIDSON SPEAKS TO "DECLINING BIKE SALES

Apparently the Baby-Boomers have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

A recent study was done to find out why Millennial's don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.

7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 10 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
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"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
--Steven Wright