Jokes

[bliss]

I tried donating blood today... NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
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[bliss]

Dear Mother-in-law,

Stop telling me how to raise my kids, I live with one of yours and I've seen your work.
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The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at homeport when
the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags.
He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags.

Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at
his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The Signalman concentrated
intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT."

Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine
to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the
many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly.

"Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"

"Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals
FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"
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Advice please

This upcoming Saturday I'll be the best man at my buddy's second wedding.
Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with "Welcome back, everyone?"
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Academy Award?

How can it be that Parasite wins an Oscar ... when there is no host?

[bliss]

While I was shopping at Walmart, I asked the clerk where I could find the nuts.
He said they were in the toilet paper aisle.
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When you actually do the arithmetic, a ton of people is really only about 10 to 18 guys.
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Jeff Bezos and I have a combined net worth of approximately $120 billion dollars! (at least we did have)
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A tourist from Texas stands beneath the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks at it in awe.

"An amazing tower," he comments to a French guy standing nearby; "how many barrels does it get out in a day?"
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Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day.

His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will.

The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth.

In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will:

"Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead.

You were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself.

Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.

The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then this?! It can't be!"

So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased."

Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?"

The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself."

[bliss]

Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
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Sounds of Bacon

Hello bacon my old friend
I'd like to eat some more of you again
Because an odor softly creeping
Filled my dreams while I was sleeping
And the taste that was planted in my brain...……...still remains
Echoed with the sound …………. of sizzling.

( Apologies to Simon & Garfunkel )
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Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16.

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing human interaction but I have my dogs.. for now.. (I'm soaking their food in BBQ sauce in an attempt to marinate them from the inside in case I have to eat them) . I fear dark days ahead. News is all bad. Neighbors have attempted to leap from windows to their death, (or near death... most have single story homes so they are badly bruised). Blew through most Netflix series so may have to rewatch some again..Basic Survival is a definite challenge. I vow to persevere to the end, I am a survivor! Please, if there is life out there, communicate with me to help preserve my sanity..