Jokes

Ron61 · #1 (**permalink**) 02-21-2006, 04:20 AM

PEANUTS

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why they don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

Ron61 · #2 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 05:52 AM

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his
testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Yetiman · #3 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 07:35 AM

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, and he looks at his girlfriend and says "This is the Pig I have sex with when You have a headache !"

His girlfriend looks at him condescendingly and says You will find thats thats a SHEEP, not a Pig you moron !"

He looks at her and replies "You will find I wasn't Talking to YOU !"

Ron61 · #4 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 03:15 AM

Getting older has its drawbacks, but I guess there aren't too many good alternatives to getting older. Whenever you see a gathering of seniors, it is an even bet they are talking about everything that is wrong with them.
You know, the usual, memory, urinary problems, knees, eyesight, etc., etc.
Well, I am a senior and I absolutely refuse to discuss these issues with everyone else. If I have a problem, I find a solution. It is not always the solution that I like, but I handle it the best way I know and I don't discuss it with every person I see on the street that is past 62. No sir....
With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter. I wanted something that was easy on gas and could zip me to the store and about town. This seems to meet my EVERY need. I love it!

REMEMBER!!

Senior Citizens Are Valuable.
We Are More Valuable Than Any of The Younger Generation.
We have Silver in our hair.
We have Gold in our teeth.
We have Stones in our kidneys.
We have Lead in our feet.
We areloaded with NATURAL GAS

bfreer · #5 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 07:03 AM

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and with it make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there is nothing you
can do about it.

Ron61 · #6 (**permalink**) 02-01-2011, 06:29 AM

Everywhere a sign . . . . . .

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
.................

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window
"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

On the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

BAsque1 · #7 (**permalink**) 08-06-2018, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ron61

PEANUTS

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why they don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrHk...SM4JnI&index=4