Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House ...
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ...but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ...many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ...or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

A Woman's Random Thoughts ...

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "you know sometimes I just forget to eat."

Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch...do it and die!"

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
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Politically Correct.... Women Vs. Men
How to speak about Women and be politically correct:
1. She is not dumb - She is a detour off the information superhighway.
2. She has not "been around" - She is a previously enjoyed companion.
3. She is not an airhead - She is reality impaired.
4. She does not get drunk or tipsy - She gets chemically inconvienced.
5. She is not "hot to trot" - She is sexually focused.
6. She does not have implants - She is medically enhanced.
7. She does not nag you - She is merely verbally repetitive.
8. She is not "easy" - She is sexually extroverted.
9. She does not have major league hooters - She is pectorally superior.
10. She is not a two-bit [censored] - She is a low cost provider.


How to speak about Men and be politically correct:
1. He does not have a beer gut - He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.
2. He is not a bad dancer - He is overly Caucasian.
3. He does not "get lost all the time" - He investigates alternative destinations.
4. He is not balding - He is in follicle regression.
5. He is not a "cradle robber" - He simply prefers generationally differential relationships.
6. He does not get falling-down drunk - He becomes accidentally horizontal.
7. He does not act like a perfect, total ass - He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion (besides, no one is perfect ... least of all him!).
8. He is not a male chauvinist pig - He has swine empathy.
9. He is not afraid of commitment - He is monogamously challenged.
10. He is not vulgar - He is etiquette deprived.
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Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

[cobra de capell]

Southern U.S. Sayings ...
1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
9. "He's as country as cornflakes."
10. "This is gooder'n grits."
11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

CROOKSPHONICS DICTIONARY
The Government, sensing that Oakland cashed in by labeling African-American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Barf Crook's slang, or "Crooksphonics", as a language to be taught in all schools. The following are excerpts from the Crooksphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The state North of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The state West of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Alabama native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the crick don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. A battle or combat. 2. To engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'mah gonna whup y'uh."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."