Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Southern U.S. Sayings ...
1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
9. "He's as country as cornflakes."
10. "This is gooder'n grits."
11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

CROOKSPHONICS DICTIONARY
The Government, sensing that Oakland cashed in by labeling African-American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Barf Crook's slang, or "Crooksphonics", as a language to be taught in all schools. The following are excerpts from the Crooksphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The state North of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The state West of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Alabama native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the crick don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. A battle or combat. 2. To engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'mah gonna whup y'uh."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."