Jokes

[wtm442]

High school coolness test ....

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/genera.../cool_test.htm

[Sharroll Celby]

Said I was "Cool as an Arctic breeze"!

[BigGuy]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that
people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true,
so
he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone
stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him
up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,
she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk
Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among Us!!!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . They
Walk
Among Us!!!!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk
Among
Us!!!!!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among
Us!!!!!!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived
yet?"... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it
cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

[Ron61]

Olympic announcement

Presidente Vincente Fox has announced that Mexico will not
participate in the next Summer Olympics.

The reason is that anyone who can run, jump, or swim... has already
left the country

[cobra de capell]

The Donkey

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read:PASTOR'S A$$ OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A$$.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES...HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day....
-------

Tale of an Unhappy Marriage:

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.


The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department tumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.


Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.


Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared . . .

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WALMART"

_____

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

"Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, senor. He ate the meat of the dead caballo."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky."

"Mr. Lucky! My horse that won the Preakness a few years back?"

"Si."

"How did he die?"

"He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your hacienda! A candle fell, and the curtains caught on fire."

"What!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"FUNERAL? WHAT FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue, and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

*SILENCE*



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"

_____

DATING IN 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
______

The First Jewish Woman President

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her m other a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her. "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother's a doctor”

____

Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British journalist. The journalist
asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the mind of a deer

before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you the

one who killed my brother?'"


Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All

they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw

next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the

French."
_____

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
______

[cobra de capell]

A TEXAS BLESSING
Note: If you are not a resident of TEXAS or never have lived in the
hot, humid Southwest, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In TEXAS, Lord, you've put them all!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

HOLD IT............there's More....................
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home.

God Bless Our State of TEXAS and George W. Bush !!
_____

Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the first time. Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten. Whatever the reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of wind. By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud [censored].
Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"

[cobra de capell]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last days of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[cobra de capell]

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure,buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of Ted Kennedy in the middle."

[cobra de capell]

A woman stumbled upon an old brass lamp while walking on a beach.
When she picked it up and rubbed it, a genie popped up. He told her she could have one wish.

She said her wish was peace in the Middle East and showed him a map and said she wanted these countries to stop fighting with each other, now and forever.

The Genie looked at the map and said "I doubt that will ever happen. These countries have been at war for thousands of years and although I'm good, I'm not that good, so make another wish."

The woman said "Well, I've never been able to find Mr.Right. You know, a man who's considerate and fun, fit, warm and affectionate, gorgeous, only wants sex with me, doesn't do drugs or drink too much, has a great job and income, loves to travel, goes to the theatre, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family and tells me I look fabulous."

The genie let out a long sigh and said "Let me see that map again!"

[Cobrabill]

I have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart,
waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On
impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works
is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete. So, I was going
to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.


Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting
in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen- depleted from
laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.

[cobra de capell]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need... = I want.

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = I need to complain

7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins

14.Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[cobra de capell]

Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the shore of the Black Sea. He finds an odd-shaped lamp, so he picks it up and rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie and promises to grant Igor only one wish.

"Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving spouse, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. I really can't think of anything that I really need," says Igor.

"Think hard," says the Genie, "there must be something you wish that you had."

So Igor thinks long and hard for 20 minutes. Finally he says, "You know, I really do love drinking good Vodka, but sometimes I just can't find it when I want some. Therefore, I wish that I could p**s Vodka."

"Very well," says the Genie, "P**sing Vodka you shall have."

The genie hands him a glass and instructs him to p**s in it. He does. Then she asks him to smell it. He does. Then she asks him to taste it. He does.

"This is the best Vodka I've ever tasted!" Igor exclaims. "Thank you."

The Genie disappears, and Igor returns home. That night Igor gets 2 glasses and p**ses into each one. He takes them into the den and gives one to his wife to drink and one for himself.

"This is delicious," his wife Raisa tells him.

So every night for the next 5 night he comes home from work, p**ses in 2 glasses and enjoys the drink with his wife. On the seventh night, he comes home from work but only p**ses Vodka into one glass.

When he enters the den, Raisa asks him,"Where is my drink dear Igor."

"Ah," Igor replies, "Tonight I will teach you how to drink right from the bottle."

[392cobra]

Boudreaux is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."


There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

Thibodeaux's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

[Ron61]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...




===============



Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


===============


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


== =============


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[uncltodd]

What goes. "Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BAM! BAM! BAM! Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop?

Amish drive-by shooting.

Sorry, could not resist.

UT

[Ron61]

DIVORCE

-He Wants a Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got

along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by uncltodd

What goes. "Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BAM! BAM! BAM! (get thee up, Buttercup) Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop?

Amish drive-by shooting.

Sorry, could not resist.

UT

UT,
If you're gonna do Amish jokes, get 'em right!
Rick

[cobra de capell]

Hillary's book reviews:

1. " Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end you too will want to sleep with an intern."

- Craig Kilborn

2. In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."

- Jay Leno

3. "In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."

- David Letterman

4. "Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."

- David Letterman

5. "Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington . People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."

- Jay Leno

6. "Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."

- Craig Kilborn

7. "CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It."

- Jay Leno

8. "Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . the one with only seven commandments."

- David Letterman

[wtm442]

"You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3 Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furni ture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't h ave curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[cobra de capell]

In his boldest bid yet to apologize to the Jewish community, actor Mel Gibson today announced that he had converted to Judaism.


The news took many Jews aback, since conversion to Judaism is a demanding process that can take months or even years of study, and Mr. Gibson accomplished the feat in a record time of forty-five minutes.


But a spokesman for the "Lethal Weapon" star explained how Mr. Gibson pulled off his lightning-fast conversion: "This is Hollywood -- a lot of things can be done by special effects."


Moments after his conversion to Judaism, Mr. Gibson paid a visit to the registrar's office in Los Angeles County and had his name legally changed to "Mel Gibstein" in a show of commitment to his new chosen faith.


Then it was off to Malibu, where the 50-year old actor was bar mitzvahed on the beach in a small, private ceremony.


"Today, I am a man," Mr. Gibstein said before a gathering of friends and well-wishers from the local watering hole Moonshadows. "A Jew man!"


Mr. Gibstein, whose Lexus LS sedan now sports a license plate reading "LCHAIM," said that he was "thoroughly enjoying being a Jew" and vowed to only shop wholesale from now on.


The actor added he would begin production of a new film, "Mad Matzoh Beyond Thundershalom," as soon as he kicks his drinking problem.


"I am really committed to reheeb," he said. "I mean rehab."

Special Note: It's that circumcision that's really going to be the ultimate sacrifice...