Jokes

[VRM]

Wine Helps...

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars
for dinner.The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of
dinner?""No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied."Will you use
it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked"No I don't waste
time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to
stay alive.""Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the
woman asked."Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!""Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.
"Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself
tonight."The homeless Woman was astounded."Won't your hubby be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."The
woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

[VRM]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00."Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith"

[BigGuy]

Subject: Grandpa and the checks


Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting
a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and
Grandma started cashing them.

It turns out the government made
a mistake with the address; the checks
were intended for another person with
the exact same name.

Grandpa then received a notice that he
had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset,
he complained to his grandson, an accountant.

His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you
wonder why you were receiving checks for
doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa answered: "I just assumed the
Democrats were back in power."

[BigGuy]

Becoming Illegal (From a Maryland resident to his senator)

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
Senate Office Building
309 Hart
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for
which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to
do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get
the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in
return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for
medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as
"in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums.
This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most
appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Pete McGlaughlin