Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. . .

The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic. He returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have. A martini, please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Colts to do nest weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool . . Again a martini, and the qustion "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh . . . 'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y
g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

[VRM]

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months... all verified by our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in Housewares!" ..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
on lay a way.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department,
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the Bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled "PICK ME!, PICK ME!"

14 . December 21: When an a nnouncement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

......and last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[dave from mesa]

HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX:



1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: "FEE-NICKS".



2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.



3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy".



4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.



5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.



6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.



7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.



8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels,cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.



9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road.



10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."



11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.



12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

[cobra de capell]

It's Valentines Day