Jokes

[Ron61]

LETTERS FROM WOMEN DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised a Christian turn against his upbringing.

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

[cobra de capell]

I'm not sure if this is a joke, but it's one man's solution:

Like many people, my life has not exactly been a bowl of cherries. From childhood family problems to my own marital difficulties, from my teenaged struggle to find meaning in my existence to my recent financial woes, it seems like every day of my life has offered little more than a 24-hour struggle to avoid complete mental breakdown.

Through it all, there's only been one thing I could count on - one companion that's always been at my side, one friend that's never led me astray: alcohol. Yes, for much of my life, drinking was the only thing that saw me through the tough times.

I was barely out of my youth the first time drinking alcohol helped me make it through a particularly difficult period. It was my fifteenth birthday, in fact, and my father had gone a little overboard with my birthday spanking, if you know what I mean. No, it wasn't the first time he'd hit me, but I was determined to make it the last. That night, as I gathered my belongings and prepared for my premature escape into the world of independence, I found a half-full bottle of my father's whiskey. Although I didn't care much for the taste, I hastily guzzled it down in celebration of my pending liberation.

To make a long story short, I didn't end up running away from home that night. Instead, I ended up passing out on my bedroom floor. And you know something? In the harsh light of that April morning, I realized that running away from home was not such a great idea. It turned out that drinking had helped me both forget about my father's physical abuse and deter me from making a big mistake in running away.

I've been drinking my problems away ever since.

In fact, looking back on all these years, I think it's safe to say that by now, if it hadn't been for drinking, I probably would have ended up on skid row, in jail or even dead. With as much **** as I've had to go through in life, as many nights as I've been on the brink of emotional and mental collapse, it's perfectly reasonable to envision myself having resorted to some sort of self-destructive behavior instead of just crawling inside the bottle for a few days. It's pretty hard to cause yourself harm when you have zero control over your basic motor functions.

With alcohol being so readily available, I often find it hard to believe that so many people turn to self-destructive activities like listening to rock music or overeating whenever one of life's little hurdles puts them back on their heels. Equally confusing are the ideas of going to a psychiatrist or joining a support group. Whenever I need to find someone to listen or a group of people with similar problems, I needn't look any further than the closest pub! You'd be suprised how many others use the bottle as their pillar of strength.

Well, no matter what remedy you choose to combat this cancer called life, remember: like a hangover, the tough times will pass

[DAVID GAGNARD]

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump $hit out of an aircraft.
*Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?

[Ron61]

Woodpecker Logic

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed
to
fly across the ocean to Hawaii , were arguing about which place had
the
toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no
woodpecker could peck! The Californian woodpecker challenged him and
promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian
woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to
peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The
Hawaiian
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the
challenge. So after flying to California , the Hawaiian woodpecker
successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian
woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was
able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same
conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[Don]

Source and Author Unknown:

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when
we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient
funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say
there are four billion stars, but check when you say the
paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death
by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his
chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word
"lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there
still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble
bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not
on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will
have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a
dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down,
pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from
the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those
enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone
rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for
doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't
all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid
idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always manage
to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as
warm as it was in summer when we complained about the
heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental
illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you. I've done my job and sent this email
to you , now it's up to you to send it on.

[cobra de capell]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy.

A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.

He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back."
____

Question: What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?

Answer: They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

Question:: How do we know that Christ was Irish?

Answer: Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
_____

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
_____

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
_____

[cobra de capell]