Jokes

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My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy.

A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.

He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back."
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Question: What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?

Answer: They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

Question:: How do we know that Christ was Irish?

Answer: Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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