Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of
teachers throughout the land.
The winners.....

1
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it .

4
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh,
like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9
The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11
From the attic came an unearthly howl.
The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality,
like when you’re on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12
Her hair glistened in the rain
like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13
The hailstones leaped from the pavement,
just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14
Long separated by cruel fate,
the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph,
the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16
John and Mary had never met.
They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant,
and she was the East River.

18
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

20
The young fighter had a hungry look,
the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

22
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe
and extended one slender leg behind her,
like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23
It was an American tradition,
like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.