Jokes

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When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now we have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old Blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.
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CROCHETED DOLLS


A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls, and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in th box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[Ron61]

I D is important

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a >farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your Farm." The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land...no questions asked or answered.
Do you understand?"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets. The bull was gaining on The Rep
at every step...and the old farmer called out, "Show him your card!! Show him your card!!"

[Ron61]

Two Chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from
San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose
Truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car
And asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three
Hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two
Chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
The San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already
So I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two
Chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of
The blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
Seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving
Through the heart of San Diego when suddenl y he
Was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down
The street and holding hands with the two chimps,
Much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road
And ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you
Doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take
These chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we
Had money left over---so now we're going to Sea
World

[Ron61]

Secrets of a long marriage

At the church's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, regarding his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'm-a tried to treat her a-well, spend-a da money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for da 20th- anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied,

"I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

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Living Will

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it: or with lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Bloody Mary
______a Cold Beer
______a Rum and Coke
______a Martini
______a Vodka on the rocks
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control
______a Bowl of ice cream
______The sports page
______Chocolate
______Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Signature: ___________________________ Date:_________________________

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Idiot Sightings - They Walk Among(st) Us

IDIOT SIGHTING: My husband and I had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS __________________________________________________
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IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:
She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealer- ship to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
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STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, some post here. They REPRODUCE!

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