Jokes

[Don]

January 22, 2008
Bill Clinton Acting ‘Like a Madman,’ Says Kim Jong-Il


North Korean Leader Urges Former Prez to ‘Dial it Down’


Former President Bill Clinton is behaving “like a madman” as he campaigns for his wife, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY), and needs to get control over his erratic outbursts, North Korean President Kim Jong-Il said today.

While the reclusive Mr. Kim rarely comments on U.S. politics, the North Korean president said that he felt “compelled” to speak out because Mr. Clinton’s behavior on the campaign trail “had gone too far.”

“When I see him popping off like that, I wonder if he knows that he looks like a lunatic,” Mr. Kim told reporters in Pyongyang. “I really think the guy needs to dial it down a little.”

As a head of state, Mr. Kim said that “it gives him the willies” when he sees other world leaders behaving in a seemingly unhinged manner: “I wouldn’t want people who see Bill Clinton losing it conclude that we’re all a bunch of whackjobs.”

Mr. Kim’s words found support from another head of state, President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, who said that he, too, was “troubled” by the former U.S. president’s “kooky rants.”

“I would strongly advise Bill Clinton that before he opens his mouth, count to ten first.” Mr. Chavez said.

But perhaps the most somber assessment of the former president came today from British singer Amy Winehouse, who called Mr. Clinton’s antics “a desperate cry for help.”

“Bill Clinton needs an intervention,” Ms. Winehouse said. “I hope it’s not too late.”

Elsewhere, Iran called its recent encounter with American warships an “accident,” blaming the entire episode on Mapquest.

Source:

The Borowitz Report .com

[Ron61]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten
disability, too.