Jokes

[Excaliber]

Maybe we should rename this thread the "Politcal opinion Joke thread". Or, maybe policitcal commentary jokes should be posted somewhere else, like on Team Shelby.

[cobra de capell]

After exhaustive meetings between the Republicans and Democrats, the debate schedule for the upcoming general election between Republican John McCain and Democrat Barack Obama has been set.

"In determining these debates, we had to take into account the schedules of each candidate and their positions on several important domestic and international issues. Regrettably, we weren’t able to schedule both candidates on any one given night, so each debate will have the candidate questioned separately, on different nights, in front of a live studio audience comprised purely of randomly selected independent voters.

For John McCain, who will be interviewed behind a podium under the glare of studio lights, the interrogations will be held by Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann, two of the more respected and non-biased news people in the business. Questions will test his knowledge of modern day economics and how the U.S. position interacts on a global basis, how to effectively solve inter-tribal disputes between Shia and Sunni Muslims and how best to implement democracy and peace in Iraq. His stance on Iran and his support of a pre-emptive strike against this peace-loving nation is of particular interest. For Barack Obama, his interviews will be held by hard hitting journalist Katie Couric and will take place in a living room setting complete with the warm glow of table lamps and a fire in the background will include such questions as how many states are in the union, what is the capital of Illinois, what river separates the eastern U.S. from western U.S., in what hemisphere is the U.S. located and finally, what ocean lies off the western coast of the United States.”

Said a Democratic Party spokesperson, “Although these questions on the surface may look uneven, we feel it’s important the American voter realize that Obama knows a lot of stuff about the U.S. that is generally unknown to his supporting block, Democrats and typical public school graduates.”

Developing..

[cobra de capell]

Following the news regarding British Airways no longer carrying in-flight meals containing beef so not to offend Hindu's, U.S. flag carriers have decided to also offer non-offending foods on their international flights.

Said a spokesperson, "U.S. flag carriers will no longer carry pork products so not to offend muslims, beef products so not to offend Hindus, fish or chicken so not to offend vegetarians, no milk or dairy products so not to offend vegans, salads so not to offend those who believe plants have rights, or any other type of meal that has a remote chance of offending anyone for any reason. Although this severely limits our meal options, our chefs are now devising appealing alternatives including fruitcake prepared in a variety of purees and fondues, dry cracker surprise and a delicious assortment of tofu prepared in a plethora of sauces, none of which contain trans-fats. All these items will be prepared using water instead of flavored stock so not to offend those who are offended by flavored stock."

In taste tests, repondents reported that all the new meals were very good because they, "Have the texture of a good used hemp rope but contain half the flavor and zero calories."

Developing..

[Ron61]

If I remember correctly that pretty much describes all of the meals that I was served when I was flying a lot. Airline food was the only that I ever ate that made me wish for Hospital food.

Ron

[cobra de capell]

A Buddhist monk walks into a pizza joint, goes up to the counter and says "Make me one with everything."

(wait, that's not all)

The pizza guy makes the pizza, gives it to the monk, and the monk pays with a $50 bill. The pizza guy goes back to work, the monk waits, and finally says "Where's my change?"

Pizza guy: "Change comes from within."
_______

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America !