Jokes

[cobra de capell]

EBONICS

Jerry is an 18 year old sixth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the Los Angeles Public school system.
One day Jerry got an easy assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence.
This is what Jerry did.

1. HOTEL: I gave my girlfriend de crabs and de HOTEL everybody.

2. RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

3. DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer told me, if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT, they are gonna sent me back to the big house.

4. FORECLOSE: If I pay aliomony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE.

5. CATACOMB: Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, sombody give de CATACOMB.

6. PENIS: I went to a doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.

7. ISRAEL: Alonso tried to sellme a Rolex, I said; Man that looks fake. He said; No, ISREAL.

8. UNDERMINE: There is a fine lookin' Hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.

9. TRIPOLI: I was gonna buy my ol' lady a bra but I couldn't find a TRIPOLI.

10. STAIN: My mother-in-law axed me, if I was STAIN for dinner.

11. ODYSSEY: I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.

12. HORDE: My sister got in trouble because she HORDE around school.

13. INCOME: I just got in bed with this hoe and INCOME my wife.

14. HONOR: At the rape trail, they axed my buddy, who be HONOR first.

15. FORTIFY: I axed de hoe how much? and she said FORTIFY.

16. BEFORE: 2 plus 2 BEFORE.

[Ron61]

A Mountie stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real
jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the
red light violation. The 'Motorist' instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in
rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'Violator' for his signature. The guy signs
the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to
the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for.

The Mountie says, 'That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that
you're an Asshole!'
Two months later they're in court. The 'Violator' has such a bad
driving record he is about to lose his licence and has hired a lawyer
to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man
run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney
asks; 'Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued
my client?'
Officer responds, 'Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: 'Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is
an 'AH,' underlined.'
Lawyer: 'What does the AH stand for, officer?'
Officer: 'Aggressive and Hostile Sir.'
Lawyer: 'Aggressive and hostile?'
Officer: 'Yes Sir?
Lawyer: 'Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?'
Officer: 'Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!'

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Louisana State Police do a very similar thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happened to my father-in-law for a seat belt violation!!!!!!!!!!

David

[cobra de capell]

English ... Chinese

That's not right ... Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? ... Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ... Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ... Dum Fuk
Small Horse ... Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ... Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table ... Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift ... Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here ... Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet ... Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone ... No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week... Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ... Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive ... Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great ... Fa Kin Su Pa
_____

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
_____

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.