Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Actually, not a joke, just well done......



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A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.

On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he’d never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!’

‘For the rest of her life she will require ‘round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver forever!’

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just fooling with you. She’s dead. What’d you catch?’.
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An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified — an American, a Russian, an Australian, and a Mexican.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers would determine who among them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know?’

Steve, the American, replied, ‘A THOUGHT. It comes without any warning; it just pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that I know..’
‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer.

‘And now you sir?’ he asked Vladimir, the Russian. ‘Hmm.... let me see.
A blink! It comes and goes without you knowing that it ever happens. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.’ ‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer.
‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed’

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the barn comes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.’ The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Mexican, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, ‘Pues Apter herring da 3 preybeus ansers sir, et’s obeus to me dat the fastest ting is Diarrhea.’

‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were giggling in their seats...’Oh, I can espleyn sir,’ said Eleuterio.

‘You see, sir, da ader day my istumach was peeling Bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but bepore I could TINK, BLINK, or TURN ON DE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi shet in my pants!’

Eleuterio is now the new ‘Greeter’ at Wal-Mart.
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An amazing thing happened to me this morning.

I was riding on the interstate in the second-from-the-left lane. I never cruise in the far left lane because I am not MENTALLY RETARDED. So I was riding along and the car in front of me was going kinda slower than me so I moved over to the far left lane to go past him. Well, by the time I went past him, I already had a car coming up behing me, so I switched lanes back into the second-from-the-left-lane.

An amazing thing happened.

Traffic flowed. See how that worked? It was amazing..... Nobody had to wait on anybody and nobody was inconvenienced because of the stupidity of some driver thats completely oblivious to whats going on around him and never ever looks in the rear view mirror to see that loooooong line of cars behind him.
If there is a loooooong line of cars behind you...guess what....YOU ARE GOING TOO SLOW!! PUT DOWN THAT GIANT JELLY DOUGHNUT AND GET OFF THE PHONE!! LOOK AROUND YOU. SEE ALL THOSE PEOPLE?? THEY LIKE GOING HOME. THEY ENJOY BEING HOME. THEY DON’T LIKE SPENDING ALL DAY BEHIND YOU. SOME PEOPLE HAVE PLACES TO GO. JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE 4 HOURS TO DRIVE TWO MILES TO THE DAIRY QUEEN TO GET ANOTHER CHOCOLATE FUDGE COVERED CHEESEBURGER (whats that...five today) THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT OTHER PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A LIFE AND CHOOSE NOT TO SPEND HALF OF IT ON THE ROAD BEHIND YOU!!!!!

And by the way... its OK to accelerate. Your engine is not going to fall out if you accelerate faster than 5 mph every two minutes. When the light turns green, you don’t have to wait until the car in front of you is 1000 feet ahead before you decide to go. There are people behind you. They would like to get through the light too.

thankyouhaveaniceday