Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the
beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you
would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.
_____

Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someones lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[cobra de capell]

How Blonde Is She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde..
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ..
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved..
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

[dave from mesa]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year
old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after
their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms,
because she is concerned that her new, but aged, husband
may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for
bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is
Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she
prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids
her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but aha! you guessed
it.....! Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as
fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride
says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you
can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less
than a third of your age who were only good once. You are
truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says:
.......'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have
advantages!

[BigGuy]

Subject: Gun control




Barack Obama, the Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.



At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.



Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'



Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

[BigGuy]

Even if you are not a golfer, you'll enjoy this one!

Golfing



A man goes to a golf course.....
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop
and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is
this:
We just received 8 brand new
robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you
out on the course and come back and tell me how well it
works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said
to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said,
"No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this
hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good
contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet
to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and
thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he
said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir.
I do believe this green will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected
his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the
robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the
best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance
of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the
counter asked, "How was your game ?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever
played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of
your robots.
See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the
pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind
the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and
one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man
and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we
had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck
could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the
sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them
black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of
'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them
robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President."

[BigGuy]

an Oldie........


Subj: Fw: Little Johnny Strikes Again



LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....A grade school teacher in
Kentucky asked her stu dents to use the word¡fascinate'
went to my granddad's farm,and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating.'The teacher said, 'That was
good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not
fascinating'.Sally raised her hand. She said,'My
family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'The
teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted
you to use the word 'fascinate.'Little Johnny raised
his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned
by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was
no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she
called on him.Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater
with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only
fasten eight.'The teacher sat down and cried.!!!!!!!!

.

[BigGuy]

a friend Thought we would get a laugh out of this...


A guy from Wisconsin moves to Seattle and goes to a big "everything under one roof" retail store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One."

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for??"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell??"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ''Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.”

.

[BigGuy]

got this from Dad yesterday........

SERENITY


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.


I've sure gotten old! ?
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'





My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



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Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



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It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
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These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'



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THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.




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Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
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Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

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