Jokes

[BigGuy]

Diet Questions Answered


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you
can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer?
Take a nap.


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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?


A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all.Wine is made from fruit.Brandy is distilled
wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get
even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of
grain.Bottoms
up!


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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one
to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular

exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!


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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables
be bad for you?


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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's
the
best feel-good food around!


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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had
about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of

arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the
other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO
HOO! What a
Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word
on
nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional
studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks
than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.