Jokes

[cobra de capell]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’

My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her ‘T’ shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’

She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...

A family from Dallas was visiting the nations capital when they were surprised by a sudden, heavy rainstorm. They ducked into the nearest store, which happened to be a sporting goods store. The young son looked at a Redskins windbreaker and went over to his sister and said, "Sis, I've become a Redskins fan and I'd like to have that windbreaker for my birthday."
His sister smacks him hard on the side of his head and says, "Go talk to Mom."

So the boy goes over to his mother and says, "Mom, I've become a Redskins fan and I'd like to have that windbreaker for my birthday."

His mother smacks him hard on one side of his head and then on the other side of his head and says, "Go talk to your father."

So he goes over to his father and says, "Dad, I've become a Redskins fan and I'd like to have that windbreaker for my birthday."

His father smacks him hard on both sides of his head and gives him a hard knock on the top and says, "Son, this family has been rooting for the Cowboys for 3 generations and there is no way any member of this family is going to wear a Redskins windbreaker. Storm's over so let's get out of here."

As they were walking away the father asked, "Son, did you learn anything in that store?" The boy answered, "Sure did, Pop. I've only been a Redskins fan for a few minutes and already I hate you Cowboy loving b@$tards."

COMPUTER PROBLEMS

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn the sucker off and be sure to tell your Mom!

[Ron61]

CHARLIE IS IN ROOM 233

Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife
says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Charlie
replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did
you get?""I got a hundred dollar bill on my
privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you
thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disgust."Why on earth would a retired person get a
hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, I did it for 4 reasons.

One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you
can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks
anytime you want."

Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

[cobra de capell]

Smart Investing

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
_____

Top 11 Things That Will Change in the Post 2008 Economy

11) High-fee ATMs at 7-Eleven suddenly most solvent financial institution in America.
10) Ben Bernanke's new bathroom reading: Ron Paul position papers.
9) In updated version of Monopoly, bank no longer makes error in your favor, whichever player has the car must pay $200 gasoline surcharge when passing Go and all the houses -- now peach-pink in color and branded KB Homes -- are held in collective by a massive Chinese investment fund.
8) As foreclosure-ridden exurbs turn to slums, Starbucks diversifies into check-cashing business.
7) Sensing that color photos strike false chord during a Depression, National Geographic returns to publishing in black and white.
6) Malcolm Gladwell starts losing corporate speaking gigs to MC Hammer, whose life experience suddenly resonates with I-bankers.
5) Harvard remains filthy rich; alumni inexplicably continue to give it money.
4) Hipsters switch from PBR to Ethanol.
3) Cloning ban overturned to create army of Alan Greenspans.
2) Stigma once attached to cohabitation now directed at sharing sleeping bag in tent city.
1) Lender of last resort: Oprah.
_____

[cobra de capell]

[Ron61]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says,'I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds,'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Houston , says,'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers.. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and
the head and the ass are interchangeable!

[Ron61]

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.
Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I d igress.
Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.
I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.
I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.
I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven.
It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.
I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few second s of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.
God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.
We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.
He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.
His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk..
He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.
Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him u p and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.
My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.
Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.
Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead i f I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.
Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.
Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we cou ld hose down the floor.
This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor with stood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.
We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.
Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.
I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.
It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'
And how was your day?